630-484-2336 ben@bedo.org

Here is Part 2: of my response to PROCESS questions on the Coactive Network.  (By the way, you might also want to check out other wonderful responses left by other amazing coaches.  http://www.coactivenetwork.com/webx/.59d4697e/18

All right.  On to PART 2 (enjoy, learn and grow)

I also forgot to add thoughts about the question of the client saying they are done and “Processed”.

 

“TO PUSH OR NOT TO PUSH.  That is the question.

Whether tis nobler in the coaching to hold strong

And challenge the client beyond their comfort zone

Or to cede from our partnering advancements

Thus prov’d to their minds their safe repose. 

To back away from the challenges of our sessions

With the feeling they have yet done enough

and so they may rest.  And perhaps to sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream.  Aye, there’s the rub. 

of how their strides of growth in life and work

Will yet to make their souls uplift with pride.

For when they’ve shuffled off this mortal coil

They can review their precious years with illusion

In deep belief that they have fulfilled their purpose

Without fear, without reserve, without change.”

[EXEUNT]

 

All right, so pardon me for the little soliloquy.  I couldn’t resist.   But the point is still true.

And not just in PROCESS, but in all of coaching.  It’s just that PROCESS also deals sometimes with heavy emotions, strong memories, and deep fears, so often this type of experience is heightened.  So bear in mind that although this is answering the question about PROCESS, this is true for so many other coaching experiences.)

 

Let me preface this by stating that this whole “I’m good for now” backing away thing is not necessarily intentional on behalf of the client.

Let’s first remember that there is a deep, deep, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep programming that we all have built inside of us that is designed entirely and solely for survival.

Main directive: KEEP THE BODY SAFE AND ALIVE.

 

All right, so perhaps you’re wondering why this is important.  After all, your coaching them, not dangling them over the Grand Canyon from a crane and spinning them up and down like a human yo-yo (though sometimes, I’m sure, life can feel like that.)

But it’s important to know that this “voice” is working triple overtime and has had their 47th cup of coffee so they’re jumping at anything that could even be slightly perceived as danger.

Including challenging our comfort zone.

After all, although our comfort zone may be actually uncomfortable, and even painful, we’re apparently still alive so I guess it can’t be that bad.

(You’ve heard, I’m sure, about the Devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.  Same is true for just about anything in this sense.)

 

So let’s go back to our beautiful coach, doing beautiful Process work with her beautiful client.

And remember, the client (unintentionally) is trying to keep herself safe.  While at the same time, she is intentionally wanting to explore and discover and create change.  (inner dichotomy, to be sure.  I know you’ve be there yourself.)

What happens as clients is we end up dipping our toe into some new places and the “PROACTIVE CHANGE” part of us goes, “Wow, this is new and great and just what I wanted” and the SURVIVAL part of us goes, “HELL NO!  I’M FREAKING OUT HERE!”

And what happens is a kind of yo-yo action of going in and out and in and out but only dipping a little bit, never really going deep.

That’s one way to look at it.

 

Another way is to realize that the client wants to be a good client.  After all, they’ve plunked down some good money.  They’ve accessed the courage to take the steps to work with you.  They came to you for a reason and they are truly seeking change.

So what also happens (again, completely unintentional) is we start to dip into some new (and potentially uncomfortable) territory and the client responds with “Ok.  I did it.   I stepped into new territory and I’m getting good stuff out of this.  I’m good for now.  This is good.  Aren’t I a good client?  I did what you asked and we have gone someplace new, just like you wanted.”

Again, this is completely undercurrent.

Again, it’s the client’s SURVIVAL mode kicking in, while at the same time, looking good.

 

It’s like when you know the 4 year old needs to eat their veggies to be healthy, but they resist it and resist it.  And so the compromise is, “All right.  Just two bites.  See?  Isn’t that good enough?  Now can I have my ice cream?”

 

This also is what happens when the client “drops the bomb” at the very end of the session.  “Here’s what it really is.” And there’s no time to deal with it or anything.  It’s the client’s (very unconscious and unintentional) way of “looking good” in the coaching and “doing it right” without really taking a big risk.

 

Ok.  So what to do?

Well, again, as is so often the case (and I say this in my class all the time) “In coaching there are NEVER absolutes.”

In other words, it all depends on the client, the coach, the situation, the topic, the… well, everything.

 

Sometimes, it’ll feel very clear your client is letting themselves off the hook really easy.  In which case, it might make sense to encourage just a little bit more.  (Kind of playing the 4-year-old back at them.  “Ok.  I get you’re done.  And we can stop right here with no problem.  But how about if we just look over here in this one little corner first?”)

Other times, you’ll feel that this little step alone might be puh-lenty and it’s better to let the client sit with this experience or back off a little and come back to it later (after all, if they’re truly freaking out, then you’re going to get nowhere.)

Sometimes you’ll hold the client to it and poke a little bit more and that was the wrong move and your client gets triggered.  In which case, it happens.  You followed an impulse and it wasn’t a “love connection”.  Own it.  Be fully responsible.  Reconnect to your client and move on to where your client needs you to be.

Sometimes your client backs off and you allow it, misreading what the client needs, and you let them off the hook.  It happens.  Clients can be slippery and clever (even when they don’t know they are.)

 

The one thing I point to that can help is that partnership between LISTENING and INTUITION.

And by LISTENING, I mean more than just the words.  And even more than Levels 1,2 and 3.  I’m talking about DEEP EVERY FREAKING LISTENING.

Listening to the words being said, the words not being said, the emotions, the silence, the inflections, the tone and… most important… the ENERGY.

By listening to the ENERGY, you can better identify what the client needs when they say they’ve had enough.  You can start to hear the truth of it, or the covering up and protecting of it.  You can start to hear their walls of defense going up or her curiosity to say with what is here.  You can hear her back away and put on a brave face or back away and realize this is a big step.

You can hear all of that when you LISTEN to the ENERGY.

And your INTUITION is in part doing that.  That’s part of what’s happening.  In fact, your INTUITION is kind of your own personal ENERGY READER.  This is what happens when you start picking up emotions (ENERGY) or when thoughts (ENERGY) just pop into your head.  Or when you start to notice a body sensation of your own (ENERGY).  It’s all there.  And it also has to do with the level of ENERGY and FREQUENCY your client is residing.  (To short cut a really HUGE conversation, you can simply notice ENERGY at either POSITIVE or NEGATIVE.  POSITIVE=moving forward, open, engaging, possibility, connected with values.  NEGATIVE=shut down, backing away, small, protective, fear based.

 

(Again, I don’t mean this to be a commercial, but I realize that this is a whole lot of deep and powerful stuff that I’m packing in here.  So if you want more, it’s all brought out in much more depth and richness in “The Fast Pass to MasterFull Coaching”  but again, I hope this helps.)

 

One of the things that also can help is the DESIGNING of the ALLIANCE with your partner.

I know it’s been brought up before, but it is so powerful and important it bears repeating.

First off, your client naturally gives you the reins of the coaching, but then calls the shots.  It’s like that person who says, “You go ahead and drive, I’ll go anywhere you want to.” And then starts giving directions.

In truth, you both are navigating and driving (perhaps it’s more like those “driver’s ed cars with two steering wheels and brakes)

When you DESIGN with them (not just at the beginning, but throughout the coaching relationship) you are continually establishing that you both are of equal responsibility and power in this relationship.

Your roles are different, but you both are at equal power.  Which means, when they want to back away, that’s their choice.  And when they choose to back away and settle for what they want, we can remind them of that full responsibility and power and check in.  “Is this what you really want?”

Backing away automatically from fear and playing small is never preferred.  But backing away with full awareness, full choice and full responsibility can be AWESOME.  Checking in with the client reminds them of their power and responsibility.

 

It also reminds us that we are not responsible for their change and results.  They are.

Yes, they are asking us (and paying us) to push them past their comfort zone and challenge their norms.  But I cannot, not can you, push the client any further than they are willing to go.

By DESIGING and REDESIGNING, even in that backing away moment, we are truly asking them if this is the game they want to play.  If this is what they came for—to be satisfied with dipping their toe.

Again, we can’t assume what is right and good for the client.  I’ve had many a client get tremendous discovery from a good toe dipping.  We shouldn’t undervalue nor underestimate the impact of a good toe dipping.

And if we’re dipping with the client, then even that little bit will be that much more impactful.

 

Again, there’s so much more as to how and why this works and supports powerful coaching.  But this should be enough to go on.

 

-ben dooley, MCC, CPCC
630-484-2336
ben@bedo.org
www.bedo.org

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