Tell me this doesn’t sound familiar.
You’re working with your client. They have great dreams and desires. You partner with them to establish a clarify exactly what they are working towards. You start setting goals with them, filling in the action steps and creating measuring markers along the way. (you know, like good old fashioned goal setting).
It’s a great plan, too.
You make sure you spend time spotting potential roadblocks, obstacles and surprises that will derail the progress, you help your client identify allies and partners, create support structures, and refining the plan so it is almost an automatic success.
You’ve covered everything and then you send your client off to execute this absolutely perfect plan.
And then they don’t do it.
What happened, you ask on your following session.
And they reply with some sort of reason, issues, excuse, whatever, that got in the way, blocked their progress, halted their momentum, and just plain old caused a problem.
But that’s ok. Because you’re a skilled coach. You expected something would happen.
It invariably does, right? No matter how brilliant a plan you have created with your client, there’s always something that gets in the way.
After all, if it was really just that easy, it would have been done already.
Right?
So you go back and redesign the goal. You now have more information as to where the sticky spots are, the problems and challenges.
And all that does is just make the goal get stronger.
And off you send your client once more to take on their goals and move toward their dreams.
And again, nothing happens.
What the heck is going on?
So you dig in and help them discover and identify their BIG WHY.
They talk about their dreams and how amazing it will be and what will be possible when it’s completed. You may even discover some values, passion and purpose that strengthen it even more.
Well, as the brilliant coach that you are, you know that you need to create some deeper awareness. It’s likely not some outside force that is hijacking the plan, but some sort of inner working that is overcoming or short circuiting your client.
You client finally admits, discovers, comes to the conclusion that they are afraid of success.
And I am here to tell you, that’s completely a load of crap.
It’s actually impossible for that to be accurately true.
Let’s look at this more clearly.
What they actually just said was that the one thing that they desire, that they can’t stop thinking about, that they are devoting all their valuable time, money and energy towards getting, they’re also afraid of?
Sorry. It just doesn’t make sense. And I’m going to have to challenge that.
How can you be afraid of the thing you desire? The answer is: you absolutely cannot be afraid of the thing you desire. It’s entirely, 100% im-possible.
“But Ben”, I hear you trying to say, “People say that all the time. It must be true. I mean, when we create a success, we often also are creating new responsibilities. We’re setting up new systems and structures that we hope will stay in place.”
And you bring up a good point, but I’m still sticking with my reply:
No one can possibly be afraid of success.
Everyone wants success.
Whatever fear they are pointing to is actually about something else, and what has happened is that that other fear of something else has come in and collapsed into the success.
So first go deeper with them into SUCCESS.
What does it mean for them?
What does success provide?
What makes it important for them?
Sure, you’ll likely hear something about money and finances, likely accessing a level of safety and security. (That’s actually not the real answer, but just the first stage of purpose. And it’s also important to identify, as we’ll get to in a moment).
But keep going. Look deeper.
“And what will you have when you have money? What will be possible or available to you when you have security and stability? What then?” you boldly ask. Keep exploring. Because here is where you get to start hearing the real answers, the higher levels of purpose.
You start hearing about the deeper benefits, the more personal truths and their values.
They will start to say things like, “I will be able to [something meaningful]” or “I can finally [something important],” or “I will have [expression of their values]”
Their whole energy will shift, they will be connecting to their Values, their Passion, their Purpose and accessing a higher power within themselves.
Now, let’s take a moment to remember what we know is true about FEAR and LOVE: they cannot exist in the same moment.
Fear can come in and take over Love, and vice-versa.
Another way to put it is that you cannot fear and love the same object or experience in the same moment.
Think about someone you love. I mean, deeply, truly love.
You LOVE them.
Now, first off, do you actually fear them?
Most likely the answer is, “No, of course not.”
Because you cannot fear the thing you love.
But you may also say, “Yes, there is fear when I think about that person that I love.”
And here is where I can challenge.
You do not fear them, because you love them.
However it is possible that you fear something else about them.
You may fear that they will DO something.
Or you may fear that you will lose that love.
Or you may fear that you will not receive that love in return.
Or you may fear that you may not be able to something-something about that love.
But when you turn your attention away from all the “what ifs” and back into this moment, and that person, the love comes back fully.
And fear is gone.
FEAR and LOVE cannot exist in the same moment for the same experience.
All right. So let’s put this back to the conversation with your client about their success.
And it’s a pretty safe assumption that they desire that success (I mean, who doesn’t?).
Success connects to their deeper purpose, their values, their fulfillment.
And that’s all a good thing.
And when they say they are afraid of success, we now know what they are really saying.
It’s not the success they are afraid of, but rather something that may or may not happen along the way, or once they achieve their success, something that is connected to “what if”
“What if I can’t maintain it?
“What if I fail?”
“What if I change and become one of those selfish people?”
“What if I something-something?”
Whatever it is, it is NOT about the success itself.
So what do you do?
Well, now that we have this clarifying distinction, we can do many things.
Now, instead of avoiding the “what ifs” you can use them to strengthen the plan, goals, design and direction. “Ok. So what if that happens? Then what? How can you prepare for it? What can you do to prevent it? What other options do you have?
You can take them to the future success (without the “what ifs”) and explore what they “now know”.
You can even look into the “what ifs” but now more grounded. “Ok. So what happens when this happens? What can you do now if this happens?” But when you’re connecting them more deeply to their SUCCESS, then their answers will be very different and positive.
And here’s what’s happening?
That “fear of success” is just a fear. And a fear is always tied in with the smaller self, the saboteur, the survival. And when that happens, we actually lose the ability to think more powerfully, creatively and to even just move forward.
Ah, but dear coach, when you clarify the actual success that is separate from the actual fear, two things occur:
- You are allowing the client to focus on the actual success—unencumbered by the fear. And with that freedom, comes often much more creative and powerful thinking. More options, possibilities, ideas, insights, and all that wonderful stuff that happens in our coaching, now gets to happen so much easier.
- By clarifying exactly what the fear is, you also eliminate some of the grip and power that fear may have over the client. It doesn’t mean you’re getting rid of the client, but you’re empowering them to handle their fear, rather than run blindly from it.
Pretty awesome, huh?
I thought so.
So now let’s turn this on to you, dear coach.
Look at you (for example) and your coaching. What is the success that you desire?
Five years from now, what do you want your business to be like?
What do you want to have created?
Who do you ideally want to work with?
What do you want to be known for?
What do you want to accomplish? A certain number of hours? A particular credential level? A project, class, program, training that you will either give or receive?
In other words, what will serve as a beautiful marker for your Coaching Success (or at least a stepping stone)?
Now look at that marker of success.
What makes doing and having this important for you?
More than just money, stability and security (again, all very important, but there’s more to explore).
Look past those answers to reveal an even deeper meaning, the more fulfilling purpose, the real reason.
And notice how that is attractive, engaging and filled with some sort of Values and Love.
And notice how there is ABSOLUTELY no fear involved.
And then notice how there may be some sort of fear that wants to come along for the ride, or wedge itself into the conversation. But now we know that it cannot possibly be a fear of this success, rather the fear of what may or may not happen when you have achieved that success.
That’s all.
One last little bit to really sink this home.
Remember all that digging into what makes the desired success important? And then we keep digging deeper and deeper into revealing something so powerful and compelling? Well, we’re also shifting from DOing and HAVING words to BEing words. I mean, that’s what this is really all about.
In other words, your client is attempting to DO some sort of ACTION.
And the success is the obtaining or achieving a desired outcome.
And the fear is “what if” that circles around and is linking to that outcome, but not the actual outcome itself.
If we also have revealed the deeper BEing (in other words, “If I DO this ACTION and then HAVE this OUTCOME, THEN I will BE…) now we have something even more amazing.
Because your client IS ALREADY that BEing.
They haven’t done the doing.
They don’t have the having.
But they absolutely definitely without a doubt are already what they are going to BE.
And if that’s true (and it is) then they ALREADY get to experience their success in some way.
And how can you be afraid of something that is already present and true, fulfilling and empowering, rich and valuable, and what you desire?
The answer is… you can’t.